Aisle 14
This list was shoved in a half-empty box of candy bars at the checkout lane at Target.
One of the few shopping list finds during the pandemic. Pandemic shopping for me is a quick sprint through the store and out the door – no careful scanning for Lost Lists From Strangers. And with parking lots being magnets for strewn surgical masks and gloves (surely most with the wrist ripple ripped as mine did once I snapped ‘em on) I sure as shit am not going to snag a potential gem of list off the ground out of fear of catching the virus while trying to decipher what the hell is going on with people through the surging crisis that is the Grocery List.
Ripped out of a spiral notebook. Wide rule: Practical. Hastily torn out of the notebook: Impatient Bubbly handwriting: It’s a girl!
Checkboxes next to the first 5 items: tries to maintain control then loses it a quarter way through. Said checkboxes are unchecked: No control to begin with.
It has a fucking title: Grocery Store List. Underlined: Assertive. Cute bubble to dot the “I”: Not so assertive.
Ryan Eleanor – there’s kind of a checkbox next to these names. Are they being picked up?
Vitamins for Ryan – OK, concerned for Ryan’s well-being. Nothing specific. Flintstones gummies? Or those death-tasting one-a-day numbers? She could really show her love here with that choice.
Bowls/Plates spoons for Ryan – Ryan’s needy and why does he need his own shit?
SippyCups - Oh. He’s messy. And those things are so hard to clean. I bet Ryan is too.
Tupper Wear- Tupperware is making wearables now? Practical, doesn’t need dry cleaning, won’t wrinkle. Might be hard to break in tho. Might be a little uncomfortable in the undercarriage region.
Icey Treats for class- When I found this list it was winter.
This bitch is evil.
Speaking of evil: This first section is complete – doesn’t Elenaor get anything? It’s always all about Ryan
Household
Swifter Sweeper – Um. Is this supposed to be Swiffer? I’m trying to figure out if this is another example of how Midwestern people slaughter all kinds of names/language. I will report back with findings.
Swifter wet/dry- See above
Febreeze Fabric – again with the messy nasty Ryan. She also added an extra E. Hey, won’t hold this one against her. I had to look it up myself. She’s still evil though.
Big giant plastic bowl w/lid for bubbles – who the hell is Bubbles? Does he/she/they fit into the big giant bowl? What a house of horrors this is.
Organic Sprays – what are these? If something comes out of a canister in spray form – how could it be organic? Is this chick spraying pumpkin juice and thyme mist all over the place? And why this on top of Febreze? Hey, whatever makes you feel/smell better
Food
Yogarts – the spelling makes it seem like a damn disease.
Pirate Booty – see above
Fruit – vague. Seeing what’s seasonal? Maybe she only buys fruit in spray form?
Veggies w/ ranch – yes, dear, you are midwestern
Ranch dip – don’t you already have this covered? Get your shit together
Ham & Turkey/Lunch meat – Ew. Maybe that’s what goes in the ranch dip?
Cheese – They seem like a processed cheese food type of group. Just sayin’
Fruit – second appearance on the list. Important. Or, maybe she doesn’t give a shit and forgot that that she even listed it.
Smoothies – So this freak is making smoothies with ranch, ham and fruit spray? And what does their Pirate Booty have to do with it? Ugh, I don’t even want to know.
Nail Care – Whoah, so your life is in chaotic nasty shambles and you are focused on nail care? Get it together
Then, 4 oddities listed all alone with dashes:
-Furniture
-Bookshelf
-Wagon
Dollhouse Stuff
Are they tiny miniature pieces of furniture that fit in the wagon? What kind of fantasyland does she live in? And if the bookshelf is miniature, imagine how tiny the fucking books are.
Or is it all full-size furniture? Like, is a horse going to pull the giant wagon? IS BUBBLES A HORSE? Come to think of it, I think I saw a steaming pile of horseshit in the parking lot next to the masks, gloves and some eternally lost lists from strangers.
Vowel Pellet
This list was shoved in a half-empty box of candy bars at the checkout lane at Target.
One of the few shopping list finds during the pandemic. Pandemic shopping for me is a quick sprint through the store and out the door – no careful scanning for Lost Lists From Strangers. And with parking lots being magnets for strewn surgical masks and gloves (surely most with the wrist ripple ripped as mine did once I snapped ‘em on) I sure as shit am not going to snag a potential gem of list off the ground out of fear of catching the virus while trying to decipher what the hell is going on with people through the surging crisis that is the Grocery List.
Ripped out of a spiral notebook. Wide rule: Practical. Hastily torn out of the notebook: Impatient Bubbly handwriting: It’s a girl!
Checkboxes next to the first 5 items: tries to maintain control then loses it a quarter way through. Said checkboxes are unchecked: No control to begin with.
It has a fucking title: Grocery Store List. Underlined: Assertive. Cute bubble to dot the “I”: Not so assertive.
Ryan Eleanor – there’s kind of a checkbox next to these names. Are they being picked up?
Vitamins for Ryan – OK, concerned for Ryan’s well-being. Nothing specific. Flintstones gummies? Or those death-tasting one-a-day numbers? She could really show her love here with that choice.
Bowls/Plates spoons for Ryan – Ryan’s needy and why does he need his own shit?
SippyCups - Oh. He’s messy. And those things are so hard to clean. I bet Ryan is too.
Tupper Wear- Tupperware is making wearables now? Practical, doesn’t need dry cleaning, won’t wrinkle. Might be hard to break in tho. Might be a little uncomfortable in the undercarriage region.
Icey Treats for class- When I found this list it was winter.
This bitch is evil.
Speaking of evil: This first section is complete – doesn’t Elenaor get anything? It’s always all about Ryan
Household
Swifter Sweeper – Um. Is this supposed to be Swiffer? I’m trying to figure out if this is another example of how Midwestern people slaughter all kinds of names/language. I will report back with findings.
Swifter wet/dry- See above
Febreeze Fabric – again with the messy nasty Ryan. She also added an extra E. Hey, won’t hold this one against her. I had to look it up myself. She’s still evil though.
Big giant plastic bowl w/lid for bubbles – who the hell is Bubbles? Does he/she/they fit into the big giant bowl? What a house of horrors this is.
Organic Sprays – what are these? If something comes out of a canister in spray form – how could it be organic? Is this chick spraying pumpkin juice and thyme mist all over the place? And why this on top of Febreze? Hey, whatever makes you feel/smell better
Food
Yogarts – the spelling makes it seem like a damn disease.
Pirate Booty – see above
Fruit – vague. Seeing what’s seasonal? Maybe she only buys fruit in spray form?
Veggies w/ ranch – yes, dear, you are midwestern
Ranch dip – don’t you already have this covered? Get your shit together
Ham & Turkey/Lunch meat – Ew. Maybe that’s what goes in the ranch dip?
Cheese – They seem like a processed cheese food type of group. Just sayin’
Fruit – second appearance on the list. Important. Or, maybe she doesn’t give a shit and forgot that that she even listed it.
Smoothies – So this freak is making smoothies with ranch, ham and fruit spray? And what does their Pirate Booty have to do with it? Ugh, I don’t even want to know.
Nail Care – Whoah, so your life is in chaotic nasty shambles and you are focused on nail care? Get it together
Then, 4 oddities listed all alone with dashes:
-Furniture
-Bookshelf
-Wagon
Dollhouse Stuff
Are they tiny miniature pieces of furniture that fit in the wagon? What kind of fantasyland does she live in? And if the bookshelf is miniature, imagine how tiny the fucking books are.
Or is it all full-size furniture? Like, is a horse going to pull the giant wagon? IS BUBBLES A HORSE? Come to think of it, I think I saw a steaming pile of horseshit in the parking lot next to the masks, gloves and some eternally lost lists from strangers.
Vowel Pellet
